


One last act of clarity.

by millygal



Category: Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-20
Updated: 2013-09-20
Packaged: 2017-12-27 03:36:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/973835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millygal/pseuds/millygal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If he could find the right way to fall..</p>
            </blockquote>





	One last act of clarity.

Title: One last act of clarity.  
Author: milly_gal  
Word Count: 778  
Rating: I'd say white, but it does deal with Sam's leap of faith.  
Summary: If he could find the right way to fall..  
A/N: This is, in a word, random. I started listening to a song, and I could not get the images of Sam on top of that CID building out of my brain. I know some people find this subject infuriating, but I just had to leak this out of my head or it would have driven me bats.

 

  
It doesn't hurt me.  
You wanna feel how it feels?  
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?  
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?  
You be running up that hill  
You and me be running up that hill 

He's chosen the path of least resistance.

He can't live in a world that doesn't sting. He likens 1973 to the uniqueness of a paper cut. No pain like it, the littlest thing, the biggest reaction.

He walks around and around in his own head, arguing with himself.

Suit clad Sam says he's an idiot, a fool, it wasn't...isn't...can't be real.

Leather Jacket wearing Sam says he can't have imagined it all, not the feel of the gravel on his knees, the burning ache at the base of his skull. The booze and birds and big egos of the squad room.

And if I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
And get him to swap our places,  
Be running up that road,  
Be running up that hill,  
Be running up that building.  
If I only could, oh... 

If Gene lives and breaths and Sam, no matter the decade, doesn't do everything he can, to make sure he keeps living, keeps breathing, then he's a coward.

"You always keep your promises Sam"

If he could be sure, absolutely sure that the man he's fallen under, fallen over, fallen for, is a figment, then he'll live in a universe where he's not quite right. Where he's an odd fall short of a load.

But...

What if the thing he plans, the thing he knows will never be forgiven, not in this decade or that one, what if it causes some kind of ripple in his insanity and he ends up alone, floating, flailing, flapping his arms against a wind that never buffets him.

You don't want to hurt me,  
But see how deep the bullet lies.  
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.  
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.  
So much hate for the ones we love?  
Tell me, we both matter, don't we? 

Gene would tell him, none too kindly, what a pillock he is.

"Sammy boy, I'm as real as they come, an' don't you forget it!"

He's vaguely aware, somewhere in the very deepest, darkest recesses of his warped mind, that he's already settled the decision. He's just talking himself into throwing everything he has into one single leap of faith.

He's so angry, angry with himself, and with Gene, with the whole bloody squad. For being more than one dimensional figments. For being larger and brighter than life, than the life he'd cobbled together for himself in 2006 before he got hurled, bodily into bizzaro land, and liked it.

You, be running up that hill  
You and me, be running up that hill  
You and me won't be unhappy. 

And if I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
And get him to swap our places,  
Be running up that road,  
Be running up that hill,  
Be running up that building,  
If I only could, oh... 

There's a disjointed song playing beneath his eyelids. It's infiltrated his whole brain, every synapse. It's sliding down his spine, worming it's way into his muscle and sinew, until finally, it makes his toes curl and his fingers tingle.

"Fuck it, what's the use in staying in a place that never had the right shaped hole for me the first time round"

With a single nod to the cosmos, a silent salute to his insanity, he backs up and stares at the finish line.

'C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,  
Let me steal this moment from you now.  
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,  
Let's exchange the experience, oh...'

And if I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
And get him to swap our places,  
Be running up that road,  
Be running up that hill,  
With no problems. 

He understands that for this to work he just needs to feel the things that anchor him to 1973.

It's the cowards way out, but, he remembers the feel of Gene's hands atop his shoulders, the soft sounds of longing in the dead of night.

The way Ray's moustache has a life all of it's own. Telling the story of a man who very rarely allows those around to see the real deal.

Chris's confused amazement at everything he's ever experienced.

Annie's beautiful, yet misguided eyes, love and loss all in one smile.

The smell of the Railway Arms after kicking out time, just him and Gene and Nelson quietly mulling over the days activities.

One, two, three, watch out, here he comes....

'If I only could, be running up that hill.'  
  
Wic x


End file.
